When Nick, a boyish and optimistic 30-something, was dating in New York in his 20s, he learned the unspoken code among the city’s daters: “Everyone’s non-monogamous until you have to define the relationship.” People meet, they date each other, but they also date other people until either one person reveals they are unwilling to commit and ends things, someone lies and keeps dating around while pretending they are only dating you, or there’s a mutual decision to transition into monogamy and ride the relationship until the wheels fall off (or, alternatively, until marriage). “It’s like there’s a general standard that everyone agrees to and you don’t really have to dig into the details or negotiate the specifics, and it just works for most people.”

The easiest way to explain all of this might be in the love language of most ethically non-monogamous people: Google Calendar. Sarah and Nick share a calendar. Nick and Anna share a calendar. Alex and Anna share a calendar. Sarah and Anna do not share a calendar but are aware of who has Nick’s time on any given day; same for Nick and Alex. They are Sarah and Nick and Anna and Alex, a modern polycule, living, laughing, loving, and doing a lot of therapy.