As a single woman in my early 30s, living in Brooklyn, going on lots of dates, I hear the word “polyamory” a lot. It seems as if everyone is interested in being poly, or had a poly phase in college, or is dating someone who’s poly, or had to stop dating someone because that person is poly. At least in my specific corner of the world, it feels as if we’ve reached peak poly saturation.

But when Elisabeth Sheff, a researcher and sociologist who goes by Eli, first heard about polyamory in the early 1990s, hardly anyone used that word. And once she learned a little bit about it, she had to understand it. At the time, Dr. Sheff was married to a man who wanted a polyamorous relationship. She had to decide whether that was right for her, so she started meeting polyamorous people and asking them questions. Over time, that poly community helped her come to conclusions about her personal life and relationships. It also shaped the trajectory of her career.

These days, Dr. Sheff is one of the leading experts in polyamory. She’s perhaps best known for her 30-year study of children raised by polyamorous parents — children who are now old enough to make their own relationship decisions. I wanted to know what Dr. Sheff had learned from decades of closely observing poly families. I also wanted to know what she had discovered about her own relationship style in the process, and how she thinks others can decide if polyamory is right for them.