Distractions!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Physics
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I know where I am.”
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn’t know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can’t come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, ‘I’ve got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.’
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop at this train?
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
Psychopathic Physics Test:
Q: A shotgun shooting 12 pellets of 00 Buckshot weighing 4g leave the barrel at 1125 fps. Assuming the average infant will absorb 127.3 f/lbs before disintegrating, how many babies will the average blast cut through (rounding off to the nearest whole number)?
A: eight.
Q: A 100 kg man is being swung by his entrails in a circle 16′in radius at the rate of 1600 radians/sec. Find the tension in the man’s entrails (ignoring the effects of gravity).
A: 65,024 Newtons.
Q: A pagan priest attempts to vaporize a young virgin by placing her in a flaming pit. Assuming the woman, weighing 120 lbs, is completely composed of water, how much energy will he have to use to completely vaporize her?
A: 130,000 BTU
Q: An infant has a tensile strength of 400 psi and has a cross sectional area of 23.4 sq. inches. Assuming it is 23″ long and has an elongation percentage of .0036%/120psi at roomtemperature, how long will the baby be before it is dismembered?
A: about 26.45 inches.
Q: A 12 year old blind orphan girl is shot from a cannon at the speed of 1200 fps at a solid brick wall. Calculate the force of impact given that the brick wall is 3 feet away from the barrel.
A: If she weighs 50 lbs, and all of her sticks to the wall, 3.3 million Newtons.
Q: A large plane weighing 12.7 M tons carrying 12 tons of nuns and orphans travelling at 724.46 kph and at an altitude of 40,000 meters suffers explosive decompression above the center of a 30km diameter population. Assuming that one passenger is sucked out every second, how many passengers will land within the population center?
A: about (give or take a torso or leg) 12.
Q: A 1000 lb car is moving at 130 mph and two poodles whose combined weight is 82 lbs are thrown out the back at 3 mph. Calculate the velocity of the car.
A: 140.91 happy mph.
Anarchism
Q: Why do they bury cops six feet under?
A: Because deep down they’re really good.
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a cop car?
A: The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.
Q: How do you make a cop sound like a dog?
A: Pour gas and light a match. WOOF.
Q: How do you make a cop cry?
A: Throw back the teargas canister.
Q: What’s the worst thing about a squad car with two cops in it driving off a cliff?
A: Squad cars seat at least four.
Q: How many insurrectionist anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb cannot be changed, it must be smashed!
Q: How many crust punks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There’s change in a lightbulb?
Q: How many tree-sitters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Tree-sitters don’t screw in lightbulbs, silly; they screw in trees.
Q: How many individualist anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ah, it’s a really obscure number, man…you wouldn’t know.
Q: How many vegans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?
Q: Why did the primitivist move to Eugene?
A: He heard there was no work there.
ukradeno z tohohle UZASNEHO blogu:
http://www.patternsinthevoid.net/blog/2011/10/1027/