A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

Next lecture on time travel will be held on previous Monday.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

    [~]====
 (~~~~~~~)
  ooooooo

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Why is it called "common sense" when nobody seems to have any?

"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
-- M. Twain

There are two rules to success: 1. Never tell all you know.

A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

And God said: E = 1/2mv^2 - Ze^2/r ...and there *WAS* light!

Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
-- Pablo Picasso

First law of socio-genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

The dinosaurs are extinct because they didn't have a space program.
-- Isaac Asimov

When I was in grad school I used to hang around the MIT AI Lab occasionally.
It was kind of intimidating at first. Everyone there spoke so fast. But after
a while I learned the trick of speaking fast. You don't have to think any
faster; just use twice as many words to say everything.
-- Paul Graham

Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails.
A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

We all travel forward in time.

Žijeme v elektrifikované době.
Do práce chodíme s odporem,
v práci sedíme s napětím
a když se dotkneme vedení,
tak nás kopne do prdele.

Note that I now don't respect not because you don't have your multiplication
tables memorized, but that you feel ignorance is something that needs to be
defended, rather then corrected. One of my favorite aspects of the (true)
hacker community is how little this "defense by appeal to mediocrity" is
tolerated.

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest.
-- Mark Twain

We'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter!

"Tento film je urcen opravdu tem nejmensim detem."
Po filmu Jan Trnka prohodi ke svemu sousedovi:
"Takhle maly deti snad ani nejsou."

Ruch's Theorem: Behind every great writer there lies a disgruntled father, a
bemused law professor, and a grandmother cheerfully steeped in the unreal.

Kdo nekradl drive, nekrade ani ted.
-- Karel Capek po Mnichovu

Pravda bez lasky je fanatizmus.

Člověk nemůže vyhrát všechny bitvy, do kterých se pustí, ale ty, do kterých se
nepustí, určitě nevyhraje.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
-- A. Kay

Omlouvam se za duplicity, nejak se mi to za ten cas asi v zapisnicku zprehazelo.

Každý chce být šťastný. Aby toho dosáhl,
musí především vědět, co vlastně štěstí je.
-- Rousseau

Život je neobratně sestavená hostina, při níž se netrpělivě
čeká na předkrm, zatím co kolem přešla v tichu hlavní pečeně.
-- Kafka

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
-- Alan Coult

Existují dvě pravdy, z nichž jedna nesmí býti nikdy vyslovena.
-- Albert Camus

Bishop Arnaud-Amaury at the fallen town of Beziers, 1206 AD, when asked by a
military commander how he should differentiate heretics from good catholics
replied with the following: "Kill them all, God will know his own."

Nemecka firma Siemens skoupila vsechny pozemky v okoli JE Cernobyl a osazela je
cockou. Siemens hodla v pristim roce cocku sklidit a prodavat ji jako baterie
do hodinek.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
-- H.L. Mencken

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin

Talent does what it can.

Genius does what it must.

You do what you get paid to do.

Ovšem mnohem lépe graficky v originále.

http://www.vomit.com/ :

chuck it's a perfect 10 on the linda blair scale!!!!! it's better the 2nd time re-checking your groceries re-doing lunch braaaaccchhhhhhhh! read my lips loading up the doggy bag!!! praising the porcelain goddess oral target practice chamar juca standing on a corner selling . . . buicks thank thanking the toilet tear thar she blows!!!...... wharfing sharing sharing lunch with the dogs sharing the wealth snarping kvas flash the hash! beat me heave heave ho heavin' the ho ho's leaving an offering on the big white alter leaving trail markers l'barfo gobble bobble a belch to far embrace porcelain baby food macack michael j. fox technicolor yawn technicolour yawn upchuch upchuck a chunder from down under (kiwi style- newzealand) uncivil forfeiture of the stroganoff cock puck sick up gack'a'rack licking the ashtray cockroach offering uncle dick oncologic offering second course-pureed decorating porcelain secret of chemo diet success recycled meatloaf god this sucks! sidewaik food sidewalk pizza rodham sodomizing a sheep with a pitchfork the big spit ose down the vault the fountain of spewth the gift that keeps on giving the nose-mouth connection (when spewing milk) the queen's christmas message the supermodel sound-off the willies ote your conscience pre-hangover post-bottle prayer speaking in tongues feed the fish feeding the fish eeeeewww! freeing the tater tots from their gastric prison kneel before the porcelain altar feeling chunderful vuelvo el estomago chemo gift opening ceremonies uper deluxe reverse fooderator overgeven (that's dutch) egest wretch wretch gag splat beeting spew spewburger chewing backwards chewing your cud huey!!! food recycler refund gag-o-rama negative chug begging god while kneeling at the porcelain alter hugging the porcelain queen hugging the porcelain receptical lego your eggo regreeting eating regreeting your grits regurgitating yogurt flush (whispered) "taste the rainbow..." t-i-h-s (shit backwards) acid flavored stew swill spilling a pizza spilling cookies spillout out your intestinal goodge doin' the buchanan acceptance speech doin' the chunkeroo doin' the chunkeroo! being a translator for the united nations being momma bird bringing back the baby carrot whistling beef shit in reverse spitting tarts shitty drive the porcelain bus driving the bus driving the porcelain bus deja food deja spew yak gak puke make an alimentary u-turn ruked makin' takeout making a call to ralph! from europe! making chow-mein making gravy making love to the porcelain making sidewalk cookies making street pizza taking the take-out out taking your groceries for a swim url val url all things re-considered splash belches with speedbumps bile pile bile surf bile-ence (bile + violence) bulemeate bulemic symphony rolf half processed shit malign bulimerize relive dinner deliver a copy of the starr report to the porcelain chamber deliver a street pizza delivering a bile baby talkin' to th' little people talkin' trash talking head talking in the big phone! talking norwegian talking on the great white telephone talking on the porcelain telephone talking to god on the big white phone! talking to ralph on the big white phone talking to the big white telephone talking to the flowers. ... talking to the seals call the dinosaurs hillary clinton selling buicks selling buicks to chuck calling earl calling huey yelling new york at the sidewalk selling the buick calling the dolphins calling the irish -- you know o'rourke, o'rourke uploading ralph ralph and earl going to europe in a buick rolph, beulah, george 'n bjork! waltzing with ralph and earl splurg splurge bolus back up bhluuuugh vem 3 minutes to great abs vomit vamit amita vomit ink blot test vomit master vomita vomiturition vomitus bommel chmod tomorrow's breakfast jan 4,2000 a chunder from down under (kiwi style- newzealand) jenbec lancer mes biscuits dancing with buckets conduct an internal audit lung butter hanging a food rope hanging chad penis honk! honkin' connecting the carrots rented lunch anything in quotes broar hooark!! food escape food inspection woof choke groceries looking at the bottom of the bucket looking real close for toilet bowl ring! biolence from the stomach, past the gums, look out family here it comes! stomach gravy stomache surfers *food to your brain* uh-oh! asshole's blocked! take the front door!!! anorexate whork a chunk boot protein spill shout at your shoes spout fruit hoover! blow beans blow beet blow chucks blow chunks blow chunks! show your breakfast chowder chunder blowin chunks blowing beets blowing chow blowing chunks blowing liquid kisses to the china goddess blowing your biscuits blowing your cookies brown urp, slop, bring the mop! supermodel'd liquid laugh air the diced carrots miracle weight loss program karaoke spray spray painting the toilet here's ral..ph! where's johnny? scream a rainbow scream at the submarines scream to the porcelain lord! karencarpentry marf harf barf surfacing that last sub horfing barfing belly-bombers barfing up a lung garfunkle purge product purge! gurgling stomach gargling the gouda gorilla growl airing out one's gastric contents airing out the oats christmas cheer horizontal liquid grafitti perk hork perk bark 'n park hork some chunkeys barking at ants barking at the ants jerking out your jujubees working the abs gorking up the four food groups hurl earl hurl earl hurl!!! strong throw a map throw the old man out throw up throwibg cheezeballs throwin' groceries throwing up yarp verp garp! burping churds surrendering your digestive fortitude carrot fountain urrrp! bbrrrraaaaacccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!! worshipping at the temple of overindulgence worshipping the great white god worshipping the porcelain buddha participating in reverse gastronomy perversi pbs-puke broadcasting system b-schpillendanoogets rosco desecrate heaven disgorge bush has just won! cashin' out the atm visiting hackensack piss toss your cookies tossing cookies kissing the porsalin god tossing what is good in this world tossing your cookies last night's leftovers revisited last night's leftovers revisited, revisited cast up accounts tastin' road kill casting your vote issuing a decree gut flush hot lunch bit spit total recall retch pitching your porridge vote brak internal shit hurl o the california roll muti colour chunks of shite on me dashboard eating backwards kotsen (that's dutch) letting it all come out you just said a mouthful touched by the goddess chuck chuck-e-cookies! chucking blue-cheese breath spuewwwwww kcuf akdov kcuf timov laugh at the footpath cough chunks cough critters cough up a furball chumming chumming fish launch lunch launching one's macnuggets bouncing rubber food round trip meal ticket chunder chunder down shunking slurp, burp, and urp mouth diareah mouth fart buuuuuuiiiiiccccck spuuuuuu nov 2, 1999 - ruked have a laugh at the ground have an accident pavement pizza pavement pizza!!!! reverse chug reverse gears reverse peristalsis having a huge penis in your nose having a laugh at the ground having an oral movement giving focus group feedback giving it all you've got! having lunch the second time giving the sardines a better view giving the toilet a message saving vince foster revisiting the rhubarb oww (cantonese for vomit!) www.fark.com bowel acid after dinner mint power chunder rewinding dinner bowing to the porcelain god hawking howling at the moon downloading saying goodbye to hurley paying homage to the porcelain goddess paying homage to the white porcelain god pizza capricciosa pizza margherita yak

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Ovšemže věřím ve slepé štěstí. Jak jinak bych si mohl vysvětlit
úspěchy lidí, které nemám rád.
-- Cocteau

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing
whatever to do with it.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words

Evolution (n): A hypothetical process whereby infinitely improbable events
occur with alarming frequency, order arises from chaos, and no one is given
credit.

<Mutiny> I'm having this teeny problem and I want to know if somebody can help
me with it..
<mjd> mutiny: Sever the main neck tendons before cutting through the spinal
cord. That will allow you more opportunity to separate the vertebrae prior to
removing the head.

Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much
extinguishes it.
-- Hannah More

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin

Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. --Albert Einstein

It can hardly be coincidence that the prime operating system of choice of the
'open source supremacists' - Linux, features commands which are poorly
disguised racist acronyms. For example: 'awk' (All White Klan) , 'sed' (shoot
nEgroes dead), 'ln' (lynch negroes), 'rpm' (raical purity mandatory), 'bash'
(bring a slave home), 'ps' (persecute sambo), 'mount' (murder or unseat nubians
today), 'fsck' (favored supreme Christian klan). I could go on and on about the
latent racist symbolism in Linux, but I fear it would take weeks to enumerate
every incidence.

Bishop Arnaud-Amaury at the fallen town of Beziers, 1206 AD, when asked by a
military commander how he should differentiate heretics from good catholics
replied with the following: "Kill them all, God will know his own."