Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. House: Lift up your arms. [she does so]
Dr. House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. /she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.

/Dr. House/

Tina screamed for nurse. But little miss nurse didn't come. Little miss nurse was out in the backroom having a cigarette and flirting with doctor. The pain shot through her like a big bullet. She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch? No, they weren't.

(Garth Marenghi)

If you are up there, save me Superman !

(Homer, S.)

Jebus ! Jebus help me !
(Homer, simps.)

7FLAMES: Sorry.

Oh, and by the way, in English, please!

(SPEEDY, Nyx)

Mills: Chlapi, pojďte mi udělat zeď. Nejde mi to, když se na mě Lenny dívá.
Lenny: Tak co, chce se ti?

(Simpsons, Homer barmanem)

Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...

J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no.

Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

(Scrubs)

Jim Hacker: Napoleon prize?

Bill (Foreign Secretary): Yes it's a NATO award given once every five years, big ceremony in Brussels, gold medal, £100 000. The PM's the front runner this time, it's for the statesman who's made the biggest contribution to European unity.

Sir Humphrey: Since Napoleon, that is if you don't count Hitler.

(Yes, Minister. On Foreign Policy)

Bend me!

(Bender, Futurama)

Yes I know, but thats a different kind. There is bad asbestos, and tehre is nice asbestos.

BB

Look at that poor man. Not only has he just been screwed by a giant eye, he's now giving birth.

(Security, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace)

Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
(Bernard, BB)

My name is Bender Bending Rodriguez!

'It's just boobs lady, you see them in the mirror every day.' MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

Oh, it´s me. Having an orgasm.

Fran: Let's go out for Sunday lunch.
Bernard: All right.
Manny: Where? Where?
Fran: There's this new place, very in -The Mortuary. No vegetables, everything's
dead animals on little headstones.
Bernard: Why does it have to be fancy?
I just want sausage, mash and a bit of cake. Not twigs fried in honey
or a donkey in a coffin.

(Black Books, season 2)

SEOMAN: Let's face it, comedy's a dead art form. Tragedy, now that's funny!

(Bender, Futurama)