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    PAVLOSComedy Zone :: Quotes from the British and American Sitcoms
    ALSCH
    ALSCH --- ---
    +3
    "Step up to red alert. "
    "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

    - Rimmer & Kryten
    UNDRA
    UNDRA --- ---
    "There's private life and there's work. It's usually a pretty good idea to keep these two hells separated."

    (Scrubs)
    TIGEREE
    TIGEREE --- ---
    'In order to enjoy, don't be scared.'

    it's not exactly a joke, but I do remember this one from a documentary where a guy talked about life .]
    CALCULON
    CALCULON --- ---
    +2
    Denholm: "When I first started Reyholm Industries I had just two things in my possession, a dream and six million pounds."

    (IT Crowd)
    KROC
    KROC --- ---
    +2
    Manny "Do you think I shuould wash my Beard???"
    Bernard "I think you should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee and fling it over a rainbow!!!"

    (Black Books)
    COSTA
    COSTA --- ---
    Gary Vaughan: "" A best friend is someone who when you show up at their door with a dead body they say nothing, grab a shovel and follow you! ""
    PAVLOS
    PAVLOS --- ---
    +1
    Lister: Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean, natural yoghurt eaters! Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of other words that end in "-ible." He's obsessed with house-prices, and spends half his life in antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer, is it, it's always wine! "What do you want on your cornflakes, darling?" "Oh, I'll have some wine, please!" Smeg!

    (Red Dwarf)
    NALLE
    NALLE --- ---
    +2
    Howard Moon: The wind is my only friend.
    Wind: [whistling] I hate you.

    (Mighty Boosh)
    PAVLOS
    PAVLOS --- ---
    +1
    Rimmer: Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon bellied space cookie? What's the plan for the day then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species.

    (Red Dwarf)
    HANTA
    HANTA --- ---
    Jim: Most of our journalists are so incompetent they'd have the gravest difficulty in finding out that today is Wednesday.
    Bernard: It's actually Thursday.
    Jim: (points to door)

    (yes, minister)
    HANTA
    HANTA --- ---
    HANTA: the simpsons
    HANTA
    HANTA --- ---
    Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
    Homer: Is it Batman?
    Marge: No, he's a scientist.
    Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
    Marge: It's not Batman!
    WOOK
    WOOK --- ---
    Ari Gold: [getting off the couch]
    [shouts]
    Ari Gold: Lloyd!
    Ari Gold: [pulling envelope out of drawer] In this envelope, there are the names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if you understand me.
    Lloyd: I understand.
    Ari Gold: You can't just fucking nod? Lloyd... I want you to... to swear your undying loyalty to me.
    Lloyd: Ari...
    Ari Gold: Listen to me, Lloyd, do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.
    Lloyd: I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari.
    Ari Gold: Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents - discreetly - and say the words "tse-tse fly". Say nothing else. Now go.
    Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency...
    Ari Gold: *Silence* is fucking golden, Lloyd. Go.

    (Entourage)
    SPEEDY
    SPEEDY --- ---
    Super Hans: "Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?!"
    Jeremy: "Sorry, I didn't think."
    Super Hans: "Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!
    Jeremy: "Did you... do it?"
    Super Hans: "Course I did! How do you think I got these trainers?!"

    (Peep Show)
    WOOK
    WOOK --- ---
    Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

    (Bree Vam de Kamp, Desperate Housewives)
    PAVLOS
    PAVLOS --- ---
    Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Am I still alive?
    Bender Bending Rodríguez: I don't know and I don't care!

    (Futurama)
    FALLENANGEL
    FALLENANGEL --- ---
    +1
    Manny: Look, look Bernard, Bernard look, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard look, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, look Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, look, look, look Bernard, Bernard, Bernard look, look Bernard, Bernard, Bernard...
    Bernard: What!!??
    Manny: I´m a prostitute robot from the future.

    (Black Books)
    KIWWWI
    KIWWWI --- ---
    Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can't seem to lose any weight.
    Dr. House: Lift up your arms. [she does so]
    Dr. House: You have a parasite.
    Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
    Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. /she lies back, and still has her hands up]
    Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
    Jill: Can you do anything about it?
    Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
    Jill: Illegal?
    Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
    Jill: Playdates?
    Dr. House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.

    /Dr. House/
    SPEEDY
    SPEEDY --- ---
    Tina screamed for nurse. But little miss nurse didn't come. Little miss nurse was out in the backroom having a cigarette and flirting with doctor. The pain shot through her like a big bullet. She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch? No, they weren't.

    (Garth Marenghi)
    HASH
    HASH --- ---
    If you are up there, save me Superman !

    (Homer, S.)
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