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    PAVLOSComedy Zone :: Quotes from the British and American Sitcoms
    PAVLOS
    PAVLOS --- ---
    +1
    Rimmer: Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon bellied space cookie? What's the plan for the day then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species.

    (Red Dwarf)
    HANTA
    HANTA --- ---
    Jim: Most of our journalists are so incompetent they'd have the gravest difficulty in finding out that today is Wednesday.
    Bernard: It's actually Thursday.
    Jim: (points to door)

    (yes, minister)
    HANTA
    HANTA --- ---
    HANTA: the simpsons
    HANTA
    HANTA --- ---
    Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
    Homer: Is it Batman?
    Marge: No, he's a scientist.
    Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
    Marge: It's not Batman!
    WOOK
    WOOK --- ---
    Ari Gold: [getting off the couch]
    [shouts]
    Ari Gold: Lloyd!
    Ari Gold: [pulling envelope out of drawer] In this envelope, there are the names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if you understand me.
    Lloyd: I understand.
    Ari Gold: You can't just fucking nod? Lloyd... I want you to... to swear your undying loyalty to me.
    Lloyd: Ari...
    Ari Gold: Listen to me, Lloyd, do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.
    Lloyd: I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari.
    Ari Gold: Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents - discreetly - and say the words "tse-tse fly". Say nothing else. Now go.
    Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency...
    Ari Gold: *Silence* is fucking golden, Lloyd. Go.

    (Entourage)
    SPEEDY
    SPEEDY --- ---
    Super Hans: "Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?!"
    Jeremy: "Sorry, I didn't think."
    Super Hans: "Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!
    Jeremy: "Did you... do it?"
    Super Hans: "Course I did! How do you think I got these trainers?!"

    (Peep Show)
    WOOK
    WOOK --- ---
    Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

    (Bree Vam de Kamp, Desperate Housewives)
    PAVLOS
    PAVLOS --- ---
    Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Am I still alive?
    Bender Bending Rodríguez: I don't know and I don't care!

    (Futurama)
    FALLENANGEL
    FALLENANGEL --- ---
    +1
    Manny: Look, look Bernard, Bernard look, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard look, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, look Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, look, look, look Bernard, Bernard, Bernard look, look Bernard, Bernard, Bernard...
    Bernard: What!!??
    Manny: I´m a prostitute robot from the future.

    (Black Books)
    KIWWWI
    KIWWWI --- ---
    Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can't seem to lose any weight.
    Dr. House: Lift up your arms. [she does so]
    Dr. House: You have a parasite.
    Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
    Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. /she lies back, and still has her hands up]
    Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
    Jill: Can you do anything about it?
    Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
    Jill: Illegal?
    Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
    Jill: Playdates?
    Dr. House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.

    /Dr. House/
    SPEEDY
    SPEEDY --- ---
    Tina screamed for nurse. But little miss nurse didn't come. Little miss nurse was out in the backroom having a cigarette and flirting with doctor. The pain shot through her like a big bullet. She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch? No, they weren't.

    (Garth Marenghi)
    HASH
    HASH --- ---
    If you are up there, save me Superman !

    (Homer, S.)
    HASH
    HASH --- ---
    Jebus ! Jebus help me !
    (Homer, simps.)
    FALLENANGEL
    FALLENANGEL --- ---
    7FLAMES: Sorry.
    7FLAMES
    7FLAMES --- ---
    Oh, and by the way, in English, please!

    (SPEEDY, Nyx)
    FALLENANGEL
    FALLENANGEL --- ---
    Mills: Chlapi, pojďte mi udělat zeď. Nejde mi to, když se na mě Lenny dívá.
    Lenny: Tak co, chce se ti?

    (Simpsons, Homer barmanem)
    DEMENCE
    DEMENCE --- ---
    Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...

    J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no.

    Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

    (Scrubs)
    DEMENCE
    DEMENCE --- ---
    Jim Hacker: Napoleon prize?

    Bill (Foreign Secretary): Yes it's a NATO award given once every five years, big ceremony in Brussels, gold medal, £100 000. The PM's the front runner this time, it's for the statesman who's made the biggest contribution to European unity.

    Sir Humphrey: Since Napoleon, that is if you don't count Hitler.

    (Yes, Minister. On Foreign Policy)
    7FLAMES
    7FLAMES --- ---
    Bend me!

    (Bender, Futurama)
    FALLENANGEL
    FALLENANGEL --- ---
    Yes I know, but thats a different kind. There is bad asbestos, and tehre is nice asbestos.

    BB
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